I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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