Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
