I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
