flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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