Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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