I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Randomize
