she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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