I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
