Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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