Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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