I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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