Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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