He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
