you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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