I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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