just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
