Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
