no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
