Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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