The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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