I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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