You just made me feel so damn special
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
