i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
