I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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