She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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