12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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