franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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