I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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