He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
