I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
