my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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