You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize