Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
