I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
