I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
