I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
