ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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