I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
