Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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