Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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