Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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