I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
