If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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