My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize