bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And then he peed in my hair
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