to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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