Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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