you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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