This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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