you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
