Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
