Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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