guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
