I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
