I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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