you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
