turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
