it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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