I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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