I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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