I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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