Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
