I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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