I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
